Being Direct

How To Be More Assertive: Part 5

"Being Direct" is a straightforward technique. When you want something, ask for it and get straight to the point. Eg:

“I’d like someone to drive me to the airport this afternoon. Would you be able to do that?”

And when you answer such a request, be direct as well:

“No, I’m taking this afternoon off to play golf”.

Benefits and Drawbacks

Being direct is, for most everyday matters, the best way to interact. It has a number of benefits, including:

• It saves time
• Misunderstandings are reduced
• It enables genuine negotiation to take place
• You get more easily and quickly to a win-win solution
• Other people don't have to second-guess what you are thinking

If you are not direct, it can lead to several problems, such as:

• Things don't go the way you would like them to
• You feel resentful as a result
• Other people stop asking you
• They may not say it, but other people don't trust your honesty

False beliefs

There are some false beliefs about being direct, such as:

• You will upset other people
• You will appear selfish or arrogant
• You will inconvenience other people by asking
• You will not be liked

All these beliefs are false, and in fact the converse is often true, because when you are not direct, you:

• frustrate other people by not saying what you want
• deny others the opportunity to help you, which they would like, by not asking
• appear insecure and oversensitive
• inconvenience people because they have to spend time working out how not to offend you.

A Simple Example

Suppose you receive an invitation to a party, but already have other plans and you believe the other person will be offended if you decline.

Option 1 is to say "Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, I already have another commitment, so I can't come." The other person will accept this and think none the less of you.

Option 2 is to think the person may be offended by a refusal. So, you think you have to give a really good reason to show how you would like to go but are unable to do so. So, you say: "I'd really love to come, but John and Mary don't get out much. I've offered to babysit. I suppose I could try to find someone else, but I'm not sure I could find anyone at this short notice. I could talk to them and find out what time they are going, and see if I could drop in for a short time....", etc.. If you keep up this type of self-justification for much longer, the person who asked you will be wishing they hadn't (and they might avoid doing so in future).

Summary

Being direct is a much better option than not. Being direct is being honest and showing integrity.

• Don’t apologise profusely.
• Don’t beat around the bush, as it frustrates the other person
• Keep it short (making long-winded excuses can cause confusion)
• If appropriate give a reason for your request, but don’t make it a long-winded self-justification
• Don’t dress up your requests with flattery, which can come across as manipulation and make it more difficult for the person to refuse
• Don’t take a refusal personally

Questions

When is it best to be direct?

When might being direct be inappropriate?

How To Be More Assertive

What is
assertiveness?

Four styles

Rights and
responsibilities

Positive beliefs

Being direct

Expressing
disagreement constructively

Managing the other
person's behaviour
by enforcing
a process

Building rapport

Focusing on facts

Focusing on
consequences

Stopping put-down
behaviour

Text Book Techniques

Personal
action planning