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How To Be More Assertive

What is
assertiveness'

Four styles

Rights and
responsibilities

Positive beliefs

Being direct

Expressing
disagreement constructively

Managing the other
person's behaviour
by enforcing
a process

Building rapport

Focusing on facts

Focusing on
consequences

Stopping put-down
behaviour

Text Book Techniques

Personal
action planning

Being Direct

How To Be More Assertive: Part 5

"Being Direct" is a straightforward technique. When you want something, ask for it and get straight to the point. Eg:

"I'd like someone to drive me to the airport this afternoon. Would you be able to do that'"

And when you answer such a request, be direct as well:

"No, I'm taking this afternoon off to play golf".

Benefits and Drawbacks

Being direct is, for most everyday matters, the best way to interact. It has a number of benefits, including:

• It saves time
• Misunderstandings are reduced
• It enables genuine negotiation to take place
• You get more easily and quickly to a win-win solution
• Other people don't have to second-guess what you are thinking

If you are not direct, it can lead to several problems, such as:

• Things don't go the way you would like them to
• You feel resentful as a result
• Other people stop asking you
• They may not say it, but other people don't trust your honesty

False beliefs

There are some false beliefs about being direct, such as:

• You will upset other people
• You will appear selfish or arrogant
• You will inconvenience other people by asking
• You will not be liked

All these beliefs are false, and in fact the converse is often true, because when you are not direct, you:

• frustrate other people by not saying what you want
• deny others the opportunity to help you, which they would like, by not asking
• appear insecure and oversensitive
• inconvenience people because they have to spend time working out how not to offend you.

A Simple Example

Suppose you receive an invitation to a party, but already have other plans and you believe the other person will be offended if you decline.

Option 1 is to say "Thank you for the invitation. Unfortunately, I already have another commitment, so I can't come." The other person will accept this and think none the less of you.

Option 2 is to think the person may be offended by a refusal. So, you think you have to give a really good reason to show how you would like to go but are unable to do so. So, you say: "I'd really love to come, but John and Mary don't get out much. I've offered to babysit. I suppose I could try to find someone else, but I'm not sure I could find anyone at this short notice. I could talk to them and find out what time they are going, and see if I could drop in for a short time....", etc.. If you keep up this type of self-justification for much longer, the person who asked you will be wishing they hadn't (and they might avoid doing so in future).

Summary

Being direct is a much better option than not. Being direct is being honest and showing integrity.

• Don't apologise profusely.
• Don't beat around the bush, as it frustrates the other person
• Keep it short (making long-winded excuses can cause confusion)
• If appropriate give a reason for your request, but don't make it a long-winded self-justification
• Don't dress up your requests with flattery, which can come across as manipulation and make it more difficult for the person to refuse
• Don't take a refusal personally

Questions

When is it best to be direct'

When might being direct be inappropriate'